Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We were destined to go to rehab together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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