saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
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my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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