I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
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She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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