Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize