I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
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The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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