New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
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I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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