some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
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He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
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We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Two words: nipple clamps
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