Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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