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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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