Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
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I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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