I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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