I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
my sisters under your porch take her home
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
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The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
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I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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