You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I love you. Go after that dick
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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