We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
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So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
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I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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