Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
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I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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