So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
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I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
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If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Two words: blizzard sex
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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