i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
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That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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