i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
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i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
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It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
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