Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
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There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
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Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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