I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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