Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize