When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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