To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
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His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
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I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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