i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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