We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
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Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
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I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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