The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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