You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
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I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
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She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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