i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
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Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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