Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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