He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
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I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
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my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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