She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
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You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
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I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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