No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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