4 words: hood of his car
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
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Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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