I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
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How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
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I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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