tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
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