My underwear smells like fireworks.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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