What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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