Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize