Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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