theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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