So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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