he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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