I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm always down for nudity.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize