i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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