The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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