i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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