What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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