Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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