Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
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Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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