He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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